Week One

It's official. I have survived the first full week.

It felt like five weeks, to be honest. It kept bringing my mind back to an article that I read my first year teaching about the stages I was going through.

Phase 1: Anticipation
Phase 2: Survival
Phase 3: Disillusionment
Phase 4: Rejuvination
Phase 5: Reflection
Phase 6: Anticipation

I definitely spent the last of July and beginning of August in anticipation mode. But I was anticipating the worst. I guess that's the difference with the second year of the phases.

I already feel myself in survival mode. I am getting here early (hello, 7:00 am!) and staying late. I am already getting by on the skin of my teeth, seeing what works and doesn't work with these kids. We have a new grading system that I am very nervous about. I am teaching three novels I have never taught before. Basically, I have been a nervous wreck.

Now, lets talk about some positive things:
1. I like my classes. There is one that has already been troublesome, but I'll take one out of six any day. I do have to keep in mind that it is only the second week of school, and others are bound to show their true colors, but I feel like I've already been more assertive this year.
2. My co-teacher is great in many aspects. Namely, he knows what he's talking about. He can truly help the students in need without first having to teach himself.
3. I feel more comfortable here. I don't feel ready to tear my hair out and cry yet. I still feel like the new kid on the block and likely will for the rest of the year, but that is to be expected.
4. I only have one in-class grad class this semester, so I will only have to go to class on Thursdays. This is nice because I can just do the other work on my own time. And I ended up being able to take 7 hours, which makes my goal of finishing grad school in July seem that much more attainable. I would love to start next year with my masters under my belt and not have to worry about being a teacher and a student.
5. I feel a renewed desire to finally finish editing and re-writing my novel. I was speaking to my dad this weekend and he didn't let me use any excuses when I was talking about it. He told me that the only way I was going to know if it was possible to publish it is to try. He told me the story about Stephen King throwing the Carrie manuscript away because he was so frustrated and downtrodden. His wife dug it out and made him finish it. I have to keep this in mind when I find spare time to write.


So, I will try to keep up with the "phases" throughout the year. Hopefully disillusionment won't hit me hard. Maybe knowing its coming will ease some of its wrath?

And It Begins

Undoubtedly, one of the evils of teaching (as with many other professions, I'm sure) is meetings. And one of the downsides to being a new teacher is orientation. I thought I was in the clear this year (I should have known better). Yet, there it was, sitting in my inbox this morning. "GREETINGS!" My stomach sank. Yep, 8-5 smack dab in the middle of our beach vacation.

In hindsight, I should have seen this coming. But three days notice? Really?

So now, as my family is lounging on the beach, drinking margaritas on the patio at the bar, I will be sitting in a cramped room under flickering fluorescent lights for nine hours. Then I will trudge home and we will drive the five hours to the beach, only to have to drive back in a day and a half.

I swear I'm not always this negative. I appreciate the chance to go to the beach at all. And I'm so thankful to have a job.

I just can't feel a little pang of disappointment every time I look at my calendar.

My second thought this morning after extreme frustration? This is a lesson in sacrifice. I have to learn to adjust. Most of all, I need to learn to stay positive even in the most disappointing of situations.

So, I will go in on Thursday and attempt to stay positive.

Ugh.

Trial Run

Today, some of the freshman came in to get their schedules and particiapte in a mock run of their day.

I had a few show up, some sweet, frightened kids. A couple hyper ones. Overall, it made me realize just how unprepared I am mentally right now.

I've been in the mindset the last two years that I don't belong. I don't have a "home" where I can be comfortable to be myself. It makes me really worried. I NEED to treat this school as if it is my home. I need to build those relationships and be myself. Not my anxious self, my friendly, confident self.

Also, I'm going through stuff and planning my units and there is SO MUCH I want to do. Fun, interactive activities. But if I can't handle facilitating these activities, we won't be able to do them.

I think it's good that I'm concerned about this now. I just need to do something about it. All of the other teachers on the hall were jumping on the opportunity to lay the law down a little. I attempted it, but they were just so nervous!

One of my main goals this year is to maintain a classroom that is:
1. Under Control (by me, obviously)
2. Organized
3. Positive

This is the ideal classroom... I'd settle for 1 and a smidge of 2 and 3.

It is my third year teaching (though I've only taught 1 1/2 years, it feels like my third or fourth). I should be able to do this. I know what problems to anticipate, I just have to have the COURAGE and BACKBONE to nip them in the butt.

10 Days until Pre-Planning...

New Job

My name is Jessica. I currently have three roles in life: teacher, writer, and girlfriend. I will explain more about these later. For now, I want to talk about something that is currently consuming my world.

I got a teaching position. My third school in three years. I was never fired, always asked back, but I never quite fit (I'm still hoping it's them, not me). I will be teaching 9th, 10th, and 11th grade. I will also be taking two grad school classes. Am I crazy? Quite possibly.

I went into the school today to plan with the department. I entered with a mix of anxiety and hope. I left with even more anxiety and a knot in my throat. I thought I had adjusted my expectations enough that I wouldn't set myself up for failure, but I was still crushed. Part of this may have to do with the fact that I didn't sleep much last night. I also have to remember that I'm the new teacher. I'm the youngest in the department by a good five years. I am just so eager to fit. I am so eager to be able to choose what classes I want to teach and have students who have a passion for learning. But I must resign myself to the fact that this is a few years away.

Right now, I'm paying my dues. I'm teaching the lowest level students, and I'm going to try my hardest to help them. It will be the biggest challenge of my life, but I will try. For them and for me. I have as much to prove to myself as I do to the school.

I keep running through a list of non-negotiables in my head. No talking out of turn. No cellphones or headphones. No refusing to do work. I run through them as if I'm going to forget them. Really, I need a way to get them out of my head and into my students' heads. No talking when I'm talking. It's my biggest pet peeve. The students are always talking, either because they're comfortable in the class, or they're really bored. I am going to try my best to tackle this problem early this year. It's a fine line - supportive teacher and disciplinarian. I've heard it's something that comes with time and experience. Could this be the year for me?

It's July 24th. I'm one day into my new job. And I'm exhausted.