New Job

My name is Jessica. I currently have three roles in life: teacher, writer, and girlfriend. I will explain more about these later. For now, I want to talk about something that is currently consuming my world.

I got a teaching position. My third school in three years. I was never fired, always asked back, but I never quite fit (I'm still hoping it's them, not me). I will be teaching 9th, 10th, and 11th grade. I will also be taking two grad school classes. Am I crazy? Quite possibly.

I went into the school today to plan with the department. I entered with a mix of anxiety and hope. I left with even more anxiety and a knot in my throat. I thought I had adjusted my expectations enough that I wouldn't set myself up for failure, but I was still crushed. Part of this may have to do with the fact that I didn't sleep much last night. I also have to remember that I'm the new teacher. I'm the youngest in the department by a good five years. I am just so eager to fit. I am so eager to be able to choose what classes I want to teach and have students who have a passion for learning. But I must resign myself to the fact that this is a few years away.

Right now, I'm paying my dues. I'm teaching the lowest level students, and I'm going to try my hardest to help them. It will be the biggest challenge of my life, but I will try. For them and for me. I have as much to prove to myself as I do to the school.

I keep running through a list of non-negotiables in my head. No talking out of turn. No cellphones or headphones. No refusing to do work. I run through them as if I'm going to forget them. Really, I need a way to get them out of my head and into my students' heads. No talking when I'm talking. It's my biggest pet peeve. The students are always talking, either because they're comfortable in the class, or they're really bored. I am going to try my best to tackle this problem early this year. It's a fine line - supportive teacher and disciplinarian. I've heard it's something that comes with time and experience. Could this be the year for me?

It's July 24th. I'm one day into my new job. And I'm exhausted.